Alternative methods to change a lifestyle.

[yakubu]

anyway ROBNY despite what others have sed i would advise you to try thinkrightnow. i understand the probelm youve got and i know 100% that thinkrightnow is the answer to it. i do not want to see you fail.

[Chris]

One of these replies mentioned the word "control". Control is often the root of the problem in addiction. It's what got you there (loss of control), it's getting worse each time you try to change (out of control), and it's what's keeping you from getting where you want to be (lack of control). It takes careful attention to control to overcome any addiction. To borrow a prayer from AA: "Grant me the serenity to except the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"

In the original situation proposed here, there was a dinner made that was not what Rob thought he should eat. He cannot control what his wife makes for dinner. He can ask her to make other things, but ultimately she's in charge of her own actions... which brings me to my next point... Rob chose to ignore what he was capable of controlling, his reaction to the dinner, and focused on what he couldn't, his wife. Rob then decided to "fall off the wagon", something else he had control over. In the end it was a struggle over control and in this case, "the wisdom to know the difference" was missing.

This is not to pick on you, Rob. Rather, this is IMO how one can go about taking charge of an addiction. In this case, Rob is addicted to his lifestyle. This is understandable. Although it's frustrating to be there, it's much easier to never try, than to try and fail. In the face of all that is bothering someone who is over weight, the fear of failure might just be too daunting. There's comfort in eating bad foods, we all know that, even though they are making us sick inside.

Ok, I too am going off on a rant here... so let me get back to why I'm posting again... I think there are several people dancing around the core problem here. We all have suggestions on how it works. We all have THE IDEA that will help Rob succeed... but also realize that these are the things that enabled YOU to succeed. You hit that "turning point" that someone mentioned.
I agree with almost every piece of advice given here. From positive solutions to "what more do you want from us", I think it's all good advice. But this isn't a game of all or nothing, absolutes, or who's right and who's wrong... it's a decision that we all have to make for ourselves. I choose to keep replying to threads like this because you never know who else will read them. I hope that my words will spark that DESIRE and FOLLOW THROUGH that are necessary... I know you all do too.

So to anyone reading, good luck. We all understand this journey isn't at all easy. But I promise, IT IS DOABLE... all it takes is effort. (and think about that control stuff too )

[ROBNY]

Originally Posted by ErinJoi

Robny,

It sounds like you have a lot of things going on that you may not have under control.

Do you like your job?

Are you happy at home? (Besides your wife not being supportive.)

Have you found that special something that makes you want to get up in the morning?

Do you enjoy your life?

I bet if you sit down and really make a plan... not just for weight loss (and health), but a plan for your LIFE. Make it whatever you want it to be - you are the creator here! Then, create your big goals, then monthly goals, then goals for you to achieve during the day.

Doing this will help you get a more positive perspective on your life, and it will make a healthy lifestyle easier to attain.

You can email me if you want - I love helping people with this kind of stuff!

Good luck,
Erin

This is very interesting.

I like my job (commute sucks) and make a good paycheck to support my wife and kids.

I am happy at home - got 2 wonderful kids and a wife.

As for enjoying my life - well that is the big debate and that may the the underlying problem. At times I do very much then allot of times I dont. This is where I loose motivation and will to do the right things. This probably all relates to my lifestyle, job, surroundings but dont know what to change. I know the job can not be changed since it it keeping us in a house, food on the table and clothing on our backs. I will not make the same $$$ elsewhere for what I do. And in the high cost of living in the NYC area this is a must with a single income. Plus investing for the kids colleges (long way to go since they are only 3 and almost 1). Can I say I am satisfied with what I have accomplished - yes and no. The house, kids, family, career - yes. Self appreciation and gratification - NO.

Another interesting thought was since re reading this thread/post is I dont think I have ever completed anything to its fullest extent (except for a plate of food) or completing it and not having it done right. Maybe there is something there.

As for a plan for life.....More of a dream possibly?
As for living - Live more comfortably in this area (NY) for ~5 more years. Sell the house and boat (sell the boat now but its a bad market) and move south to Florida (I hate the cold). With the money invested and hopeful profit on the house be able to buy a nice house in Florida (or south) and possibly only have to work a easy job or only a few days a week. The kids can enjoy being outdoors all year round and us too.

As for personal health - just become healthy and pain free. No more depressions, no more nasuea, no more being tired all the time. Not being affraid of going to public places/events. No more dressing like a slob.

Now setting REAL goals to get there is where I get angry, upset, depressed, confused and loose the will to do anything about it. Can I make the next 5 years on the health track I am on? I give it a 50/50 shot. That should be motivation alone but again I go back to the same thoughts over and over again.

I did start this again 2 weeks ago. I lifted the weights and was really sore. Did some walking for the cardio and that's where it stopped. Eating - well you know the story in the household. At work is similar - the company buys us lunch. In turn I can not leave my desk (no lunch break so to speak). We order from various vendors of delis. restaurants, etc. I try to order healthy foods but in reality I have no idea on what they are putting in their foods so they are probably not healthy. Sure the solution is to brown bag my own lunch from home. But in the back of my mind I am throwing away $50 a week the company buys us.

I need to understand life I guess. I dont have a grip on it.

I do re read all the threads of help here. I replay them in my mind constantly looking for the answer for me. You all make allot of sense and what has helped you change. I am trying to put all that together to get me to change. That is why I am reposting here in the hope that something will kick me into the right gear. Some of the results efforts I have seen on this board are amazing and I can see where it has changed their lives. Again - Why I can't follow that is beyond me.

[ROBNY]

My head is spinning at all this deep thoughts now.

Still going back to am I happy with my life. I want to say yes I am estatic due to some accomplishments of having a good career, a wife, 2 healthy kids, some friends. But I can not for some reason. I do not feel happy. I can not honestly say I am not proud of what I have become totally. I guess I am not at peace with myself. This is really bothering me now. I cant get my mind off of it. Maybe the feelings of not completing something or not happy are causing me to not want to do a thing for myself.

I also have constant pains here and there. My arm constantly aches but that is the least of my worries compared to the Sleep Apnea and other chest pains that come and go. The cholesterol fight has made me feel worse as well. When first diagnosed with elevated cholesterol 3 years ago I changed my diet and in a year I dropped the cholesterol 20 points. A year later (now) its high. So my efforts went for none. Now I am on the meds that make more pains.

Is the answer to leave my current lifestyle meaning move away from here, get a new job somewhere else and let the banks repo what I can't pay? Change of scenery type thing?

[ccbloom]

Rob - for the past 6 years, I owned my own business. It was very successful, and I made a lot of money - but I had absolutely no time for myself or my family and it's a big reason why I'm restarting my journey now. I was constantly depressed, angry, anxious, and miserable with how I looked and felt, but I was able to buy most things I wanted. I had the money to buy new, nice clothes, but I didn't want them because nothing fit or it didn't look the way I wanted.

Ya know what I did? I made a huge life change. I quit my business. I got a lower-paying job working for someone else, but I have very little work stress in my life. I was very nervous about taking a pay cut, but I made it work. I cut out a bunch of unnecessary things in my life that weren't making me happy. And so far, so good. Now I have the time to workout and make myself the proper foods, and I know I'll be happier in the end.

I'm not saying you should quit your job, but just think about how you can manipulate your surroundings to accommodate your goals.

As for the meals that your job buys you, don't think of it as a loss of $50. Think of it as a way of gaining your health back. Either that, or just order out 2 days a week (get a huge salad with grilled chicken), and brown bag your lunch the other 3 (you can certainly do this very cheaply!).

In the end, you need to really want to change in order to do it. I've joined WW about 30 times in my life and only stuck with it once. BFL is really what works for me - because I like to eat. LOL!

[Chris]

Getting your head spinning is a good thing. Keep thinking about this stuff. Don't do anything too drastic at the moment though. Just focus on the next right thing.

Do whatever you need to do to keep putting one foot in front of the other and working your way toward who you want to become. You don't have to do it all at once. Listen to your gut. Take a step. Listen to it some more. Take another step. Soon, before you know it, you'll be halfway there.

[ccbloom]

Originally Posted by Chris

Getting your head spinning is a good thing. Keep thinking about this stuff. Don't do anything too drastic at the moment though. Just focus on the next right thing.

Do whatever you need to do to keep putting one foot in front of the other and working your way toward who you want to become. You don't have to do it all at once. Listen to your gut. Take a step. Listen to it some more. Take another step. Soon, before you know it, you'll be halfway there.

I agree with this 100%!

I didn't quit my business overnight. It took a bit of planning and lots of thinking before I realized it was the right thing. Initially, I started taking on fewer and fewer customers, and that's how I knew closing was the right thing for me.

[Rhone]

I agree with Marc on having a spark. For me, it was a combination of three things: I was already making improvements in another aspect of my life (leaving my low-paying high-stress job to go back to school for a career-change--something I procrastinated about for too long), my 30th birthday was coming up, and less than a week after my 30th birthday was the first anniversary of my father's death.

Those things all came together and I realized it was time to finally make a workable plan to get myself in shape, and to stick with it no matter what. Find your spark and fuel it. Get that fire burning. Realize that there will be days when you are psyched for your workout and enjoying your healthy meals, but there will also be days where you feel like crap and think you are completely not up for your workout, or you wish you could have a pizza instead of your healthy meal. You have to put yourself in the mindset that you must stick with your plan no matter what you feel like. (And keep in mind that with Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness, and your body's reaction to the change in diet, the first week or two can sometimes be the worst--you have to power through it!!)

[ROBNY]

good ideas.

Well the career/job thing is a huge factor. I am the sole provider for the household. Living in the NYC area is expensive. We just bought a house last year and forget moving now - would loose everything I put down on it and be way upside down due to the housing market. I also have a boat that I have a huge loan on. I would love to sell it but again the market sucks and would loose allot more money if I dropped the price really low. I do have it listed below value but no bites. We have 2 car loans plus now starting to pay for my daughters preschool. Plus trying to plan a vacation this fall to Florida. So I am pretty much trapped here or loose it all to the banks. I know I choose to do this and I have to live with this. If I could sell the house/boat and have no car loans we should probably move out of here. But it is what it is for now. I am now trying to think of other ways to change my surroundings as well.

I did have a salad for lunch today and 2 hours later I am starving and getting irratated. I ca see already where this is going to end up this evening. Getting more angry and upset. That was probably a good decision for health wise but not the right choice.

[browneyes]

Just my 2 cents...

Hi, new to the board not to the diet. Have gone away from it due to 2 pregnancies. Never realized people followed it pregnant! Anyway, time for me to hit the diet...

My question to you is why is your wife so against you feeling better about yourself? A healthy lifestyle should be somewhere near the top of the list for a family as a whole, you dont want to knowingly raise your kids to have the same "food related" problems that you struggle with. Your wife should want the best for you because your health and happiness is beneficial for the whole family. I mean its surprising to me that you state that you are happy with you life in the areas of "wife/kids" yet from what Ive read your wife seems to be a major problem in your diet.

Watching everyone else eat the free lunch at work while you are eating a cold lunch brought from home must be difficult but dont think of it as throwing away $50/wk. Think of it as saving you $100's of dollars in the future by being healthy and not having heath related problems or DR's related visits caused by unhealthy habits.

And dont be too hard on yourself, the BFL diet isnt "easy" especially for people who have an honest struggle with food. While it isnt "easy" I will tell you that it is totally worth every cheat/drink you give up to look better but more importantly to FEEL better, and it gets "easier and easier". Give it all you've got- even if its baby steps. You need to get to the point where you see yourself as "worth it" and you need to drill that into your head. Dont let ANYONE bring you down.

What helps me is that I dont start on a whim, I get prepared. Mark your calander with a start date and an end date. Above all else promise YOURSELF that you will stick with it, even if you cross the finish line crawling.

I hope some of that helps... Im a new member to the forum, but Ive read (and read and read and read lol ) the main BFL book and the BFL womens book and I have seen success. I've not entered any competition but maybe if you entered the challenge would that help you stay motivated because you've actually "entered" something? Then would you feel more accountable?

Oh- and I read that you are throwing around ideas for changing scenery, etc... while thats something that you have to look at I can tell you that if you commit to this and follow the diet it wont magically make your life all roses but it will make give you the confidence that you need to change the areas of your life that you are unhappy with. Take care of you. Loosing weight and feeling good about yourself will change your life.

[ROBNY]

Originally Posted by Rhone

I agree with Marc on having a spark. For me, it was a combination of three things: I was already making improvements in another aspect of my life (leaving my low-paying high-stress job to go back to school for a career-change--something I procrastinated about for too long), my 30th birthday was coming up, and less than a week after my 30th birthday was the first anniversary of my father's death.

Those things all came together and I realized it was time to finally make a workable plan to get myself in shape, and to stick with it no matter what. Find your spark and fuel it. Get that fire burning. Realize that there will be days when you are psyched for your workout and enjoying your healthy meals, but there will also be days where you feel like crap and think you are completely not up for your workout, or you wish you could have a pizza instead of your healthy meal. You have to put yourself in the mindset that you must stick with your plan no matter what you feel like. (And keep in mind that with Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness, and your body's reaction to the change in diet, the first week or two can sometimes be the worst--you have to power through it!!)

I agree with that. Just have to get the lighter out.

And the DOMS were horrible.

[ROBNY]

Originally Posted by browneyes

Just my 2 cents...

My question to you is why is your wife so against you feeling better about yourself? A healthy lifestyle should be somewhere near the top of the list for a family as a whole, you dont want to knowingly raise your kids to have the same "food related" problems that you struggle with. Your wife should want the best for you because your health and happiness is beneficial for the whole family. I mean its surprising to me that you state that you are happy with you life in the areas of "wife/kids" yet from what Ive read your wife seems to be a major problem in your diet.

I do not know. We talk about it and we agree on it then a few days later its out the window. I don't want to argue with her so I give in. Sometimes when I do put up a fight against it that is when the trouble starts.

[ROBNY]

I think I need a punching bag. I feel like taking out my frustrations on it.

[browneyes]

Well, maybe its the way that you are approaching it? Maybe she isnt "on board" because she feels like you wont follow through with it? I think that if you feel better about yourself you will be happier and when she sees this change then maybe that will make her more supportive? I dont want to press the personal issues here, Im just trying to help you out.

[Rhone]

I agree wholeheartedly with Chris about control... that's actually a major part of my own happiness.

If there's something I'm unhappy about, one of things I ask myself is "Can I change this? Is it under my control?" If the answer is "no", I stop obsessing over it because there is no point; if the answer is "yes" then I make the change (unless it is not worthwhile, in which case I accept the situation and move on); if the answer is "yes, but not at the moment" then I stop worrying about it and make the change when I'm able to.

Basically, make positive changes to the stuff that is under your control and stop worrying about the stuff that isn't. I'm not going to say I do that perfectly and am never unhappy, but that's my general approach and it works well.

As an example, I also have a wife who is not willing to join me in either the eating or the exercise. She's supportive and positive about what I've been doing, but doesn't want to do it herself. So I had to tell her right from the beginning that she was on her own with food if she wasn't willing to eat what I was making (that was kind of a big thing since generally I did the cooking or we ate out). That way I cut off any dependence I might have had on her participation. And even though it would be nice to see her improving her health by exercising and eating right, no amount of obsessing over it on my part is going to change it, so I think about what I'm doing for myself instead of what I wish she was doing.

[yakubu]

If you were in conscious control of your problem then you would simply stop it, wouldn't you? The fact that you cannot must mean that your unconscious is running the issue.